Why I hate Detroit/Dearborn/Everything. [long, E/N, goth, slight gay content]

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Today on my drive home from Dearborn, I was in a good-ish mood. I had about 8000% more stress than I had had the day before, but I was still feeling relatively human, in that I’m in relatively good health, I’ve met a fantastic girl, and as bad as things can get, there’s always beer.

But then I turned onto the entrance ramp getting on I-94 Eastbound.

That’s when I saw the death traffic snarl from hell staring back at me. I see this and panic. I can’t do anything about it. I’d passed up my opportunity to take the Southfield Fwy to 696 long ago…so I have to swallow this bitter pill.

Fair enough. It’s probably an accident. There are probably children dead. It’ll take me a few minutes more, but I’ll still be all right time-wise.

In order to figure out which lane I should probably stick to, I turn on the all news AM station here in Detroit. But I’ve just missed the traffic report by about 2 seconds, so I have to sit through another 10 minutes of broadcast before I can hear what the problem is. I figure I’ll switch over to the FM talk station, as it’s the top of the hour, so I’ll get their traffic report.

To quote:

Everything’s looking pretty smooth out there today.

Oh really? Because I know of about 80,000 motorists who might fucking disagree!!!

Anyway, I switch back over to the AM news station to wait for their report. In the meantime, I have to hear the news. It seems that Detroit is going to start charging surrounding communities more money for water this summer to, again, I quote, “fix the disintigrating water system already in place.”

Here’s where my “that’s horseshit” meter starts to go off. For those of you who aren’t from the area, Detroit is the worst city on earth. It’s dingy, dangerous, pot-holed, and run by the most inefficient bureaucracy since…well, let’s just say they’re blazing new trails in the history of bureaucratic inefficiency.

You see, they have a water board. It has 6 members. They are chosen by the citizens of Detroit…and DETROIT ONLY. This council votes on things like, oh, let’s say, raising water prices for the suburbs. So they vote to raise prices…and it passes…EVERY FUCKING TIME.

Why? Because they are a Stalanist dictatorship, and they get to control the very essence of human life with an iron fist…and we surrounding communities get 0, or, in fact, less than 0 say in the matter. How is this even remotely fair, you ask? IT ISN’T IN THE LEAST! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

I wouldn’t even be so pissed if the suburbs got to pick the contracting company that installs the new water infrastructure…but we don’t. Instead it gets passed onto mobsters and/or african american contracting agencies that are owned by the brother-in-laws of the city council. So the infrastructure will take approximately infinite years to install and will cost the suburbs about infinite amount of money to complete.

Now I’m fucking livid…and that’s BEFORE the traffic report comes on.

Guess what’s backed me up for the last 20 minutes of my life, and will continue to back me up for another 15 minutes? THAT’S RIGHT! THERE WAS A TIRE IN THE MIDDLE LANE OF TRAFFIC SOMEWHERE IN DOWNTOWN DETROIT!

  1. How does a tire get there?

  2. Why does this clog traffic to all fucking hell?

  3. WHY WHY WHY WHY OH LORD WHY???

On top of all of this, I got my observational teaching assignment today. It’s at a school that is in the complete opposite direction of my work (by about 20 miles), and takes me so far away from my university, tnat I will require a chinook helicopter to get me from home to school to work to my teaching assignment on time.

So that’s my rant. Anybody know of a good chopper rental service/places to live in the Boston area?

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It’s a Michigan road. Tires and empty boxes materialize out of nowhere. Large pieces of cement suddenly break away from the rest of the road, fly to another location and combine with different roads, leaving large holes and speed bumps. Overpasses explode for no reason.

Very few people in this state know how to avoid these things.

(Note: beer has just been outlawed in all 54 states)

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I assume this means that Canada is now a few more states, while Wisconsin is now officially part or Brazil.

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Outlawing beer in Canada is impossible, like seeing a news report on CNN that contains less than 123424 American flags in the background.

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Well, it’ll happen in Ontarionia and Quebecistan before it happens in Wisconsinland. It would be like outlawing air, except Wisconsin doesn’t get any money for air.

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It already happened not 100 years ago, while my country has no history of banning any alcohol. YOU LOSE AMERIKKKAN!

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Yes, and that led to the Great Sobriety Endemic of 1927, which left two million dead in Milwaukee alone. Milwaukee didn’t even have two million people, and yet there were the corpses, clearly dead from sobriety complicated by Blaze Orange deficiency. It’s now a part of the state constitution that any future attack on the state’s ability to grow and slaughter its beer herds will result in the launching of nukes.

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They will be launched at Canada, no doubt. I mean, where else?

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Illinois. Even if it isn’t Illinois that’s threatening the beer. Also non-UP Michigan. They will all pay for taking our land, oh yes…

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Fellas, please.

Detroit.

it sucks.

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two words: monster truck

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Well, to indulge Trotsky, Detroit sounds like it sucks as much as this stupid AIM I am attempting to fix. Piece of trash.

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Umm… Shania Twain? Alanis Morrisette? New Brunswick? You people need beer just to maintain your will to live.

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I’ll tell you what else I hate about Detroit.

That stupid whale mural on the side of that abandoned building.

Here’s an idea: make the city not suck, so that companies will fill that buidling so it doesn’t have to become a gigantic art piece that annoys the fuck out of me everytime I look into right field at a Tiger’s game.

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Here’s an idea: don’t waste your time watching baseball.

I guess that’s kind of unfair. There is a reason to go to a baseball game: the crowd.

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Especially not the Tigers.

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Hey Trotsky:

  1. They are raising the price of water in the suburbs because they have to install a new system because the EPA now has stricter regulations on how much bacteria and viruses and other yummy shit can be in your water. Blame your radical political friends who enjoy things like “clean water”. Or better yet move to Mexico.

  2. OMG TRAFFIC IS BACKED UP ON OUR EXPRESSWAYS DETROIT WORST CITY EVER BECAUSE NO OTHER CITIES HAVE TRAFFIC PROBLEMS WHEN FOREIGN OBJECTS FALL INTO THE ROADWAY. Solution: Move you and your fatty fat fat to Houghton.

  3. You’re gay.

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You’re not going to find a place with enough underground raves and as low a living cost as Detroit.

Do you think Boston hires magic gnomes to teleport you to wherever you need to go? No, you’d have to drive from your pitiful squalor of an apartment to college and the same twenty miles to your observation of teachingness. However, you could say “chowdah” which would make up for most of that.

Also, you’re gay.

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Another reason Boston is the place for Trot.