I mostly agree, except that Gigli and House of the Dead are not on the worst list. I assume it’s because the critic refused to see them, much like everyone else.

Gigli didn’t look like it would have been one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, it simply did so poorly in theaters because no one wanted to go see it. It certainly didn’t look good enough to actually waste time seeing it, but maybe not one of the worst ten movies this year.

But House of the Dead, yes. I think maybe the person who wrote that didn’t consider it a real movie. I certainly didn’t.

Lost in Translation > *

I forgot to go see House of the Dead. I really really wanted to, simply because it looked so bad it would be hilarious.

House of the Dead was like a zombie movie without zombies. First of all, the zombies run a la 28 Days, and looks like guys with some blood on them and tattered clothes, a la 28 Days. Second of all, there is little to no blood, either spewing forth from the gaping holes in the zombies (which, notably, there were none), or the actors. There was no sex, no real nudity, and no good one-liners, like “I kick ass for the Lord.” Take a zombie movie, remove the zombie movie, and you are left with House of the Dead.

I saw Gigli on Double-Feature ™ in Chicago, and what I saw of it was the worst thing I had ever seen. First of all, I spite Jennifer Lopez for killing my grandmother, and I don’t think she’s that attractive anyway. So she has an ass. Good for her. Ever since <a href=“”>goatse</a>, asses just aren’t attractive at all to me. Anyway, the movie features a lack-luster Ben Afleck who, throughout the movie, appears either pissed or sleep-walking. And the retard isn’t the kind of Will Ferrell “Elf” kind of retarded, but more like an actual retard, who doesn’t understand things and who you have to be patient with. This may be a huge social message in movies, sure, depicting mentally retarded people as they really are, but it’s fucking annoying, and you just want him to go away, along with the rest of the fucking movie.

Return of the King, though a good enough movie, is wildly overrated. I don’t know if the ordering on this list was intentional, but it is certainly not the second-best movie of the year.

Also, I love the description of Kill Bill Vol. 1 as “original.” That movie is many things, but original is not one of them. The reviewer seems to realize this when he calls it an “ode to Asian martial arts movies.” And I question its place on this list if only because Uma Thurman’s acting job was so spectacularly poor. Maybe that was the point…

Quit your damn bitching about Kill Bill. It was a fine film, hilarious, ultra-violent, and perfect in its established goals (entertain me).

And I’m still sticking with Lost in Translation as the best film of the year. Master and Commander a close second? Sure…

I had absolutely no interest in Master and Commander. It just seemed… I dunno… forced.

I haven’t seen Lost in Translation, but I’ll gladly give you Master and Commander. It was spectacular.

Also, I feel I should point out that I don’t dislike Kill Bill. I thought it was perfectly entertaining, but I’m not going to make that sufficient for a “Ten Best” list… because that would force me to add Cabin Fever and Once Upon a Time in Mexico, far and away the most entertaining movies I’ve seen this year.

Cabin Fever!


You see? This is a film enjoyed by all… except maybe those for whom the rifle is intended.

I honestly was going to go see Cabin Fever, but that one girl in the commercial screeched so shrilly and loudly that I cried blood and forgot to make gay jokes while watching wrestling, so I assume a Dolbyfied version of the screech would have killed me.

And I really don’t get the “It looks bad, let’s go see it! It’ll be so bad it’s good!” thing. Why not just go see something good? Surely TV provides enough horrible non-entertainment to make you people yearn for actual quality.

I understand what you’re saying, but I hope you’re not applying it to Cabin Fever. Cabin Fever wasn’t so bad it was good; it was in fact just good. Hilarious even. Like kicking ass for the Lord.

Oblivion disapproves of kicking ass for the Lord, the fool.