A Light In The Dark
[left]
A Light In The Dark
Bell Labs Prove Existence of Dark Suckers
(Reprinted from the Bell Labs Newsletter)
For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light.
However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise.
Electric bulbs do not emit light, they suck dark. Thus they are now
called dark suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory, according to a Bell Labs
spokesperon, proves the existence of dark, that dark has a mass
heavier than that of light, and that dark travels faster than light.
The basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck
dark. Take for example the dark suckers in the room where you are.
There is less dark in the immediate area of the dark suckers than
there is elsewhere in the room. The larger the dark sucker, the
greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have
a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all
things, dark suckers don’t last forever. Once they are full of dark
they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full
dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a
white wick. You will notice that, after the first use, the wic turns
black – representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If
you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip
will turn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the
candle.
Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited
range. There are, fortunately, portable dark suckers. The bulbs in
these cannot handle all of the dark by themselves, and require the use
of additional dark storage units. When the dark storage unit,
referred to by some as a battery, is full it must either be emptied or
replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from
this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating
dark sucker. Candles present a special hazard because the dark must
travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a
large quantity of heat, which makes it inadvisable to touch an
operating candle.
Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper
you notice that it slowly gets darker and darker. When you reach a
depth of aproximately 80 meters, you are in total darkness. This is
because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the water and the
lighter light floats to the top. The immense power of dark can be
utilized to humankind’s advantage. Dark which has settled to the
bottoms of lakes can be pushed through turbines to generate
electricity. In this way dark can be forced into the oceans where it
can be safely stored.
Prior to the invention of the turbine it was much more difficult
to get dark from rivers and lakes to the oceans. The Indians
recognized this problem and tried to solve it. When on a river in a
canoe traveling in the same direction as the flow of dark, Indians
paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark. When they
traveled against the flow of dark they paddled quickly to help push
the dark along its way.
Finally, it becomes clear that dark is faster than light. If you
stand in an illuminated room in fromt of a closed, dark closet you
notice that, as you slowly open the closet door, light slowly enters
the closet. However the dark moves so quickly that you are not able
to see the dark leave the closet.
In conclusion, scientists from the Bell Labs have noted that dark
suckers make our lives easier and more enjoyable. So the next time
you look at an electric bulb remember that its function is actually
that of a dark sucker.</pre> [/left]