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On Monday, my face is being removed from my body. I talked it over with my dentist, and we believe this is the only treatment for my freakishly ugly face. Sometimes one in my position (physicist, no chance of ever having a girlfriend/wife EVER) chooses to leave his face in so long as the face isn’t causing any immediate pain and there is no risk of infection caused by an impacted face. However, because of my unique adamantium bone plating, the dentist and orthodontist agree that face-extraction surgery is the best way to avoid future complications.
I have to submit to you folk some of the possible complications which might result from this surgery. I do this not because I want to warn you or anything, but because I use your collective opinion as my opinion, and thus count on you to make all my important decisions for me:
<list><li>After surgery, there may be some bleeding, numbness, and pain in the facial area. Bruising of the jaw, neck, pupil, retina, penis, or frontal-lobe is common, and may percist for months after the surgery.</li>
<li>The face runs close to what is known as the “brain nerve,” a cluster a nerves located between the back of the face and the rear portion of the skull. This nerve cluster servers to transmit sensory information between the ears (hence the location of the cluster). Sometimes facial extraction surgery irritates or damages this nerve cluster, resulting in a tingling feeling in the ears which may percist for several months. Sometimes these problems are perminent, and one has to learn to adjust to the ears not being able to communicate with each other.</li>
<li>Your doctor might be a pervert, and you might end up touched in inapropriate places while under. The doctor might also ejaculate on you, leaving either a thick white/yellow substance on various parts of your body (known as “man-juice”) or a crusty, transparent film if the surgery takes more than a few hours (known as “dried man-juice”). Man-juice commonly dries after a few hours, but dried man-juice and man-juice stains might remain for several weeks (if you don’t shower, you filthy nasty freak.)</li>
<li>The doctor might have to make certain decisions during the surgery which might lead to you being force-fed roast beef, then having pictures of your embarrasingly gluttonous behavour circulated on the internet. YOU CANNOT SUE US FOR ANYTHING</li>
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So tell me guys, should I go through with this? By the way, I already paid and signed the NO LAWSUITS ALLOWED disclaimer. And bought the roast beef they made me buy. Maybe you guys can tell me why I had to buy roast beef…