On Monday, my face is being removed from my body. I talked it over with my dentist, and we believe this is the only treatment for my freakishly ugly face. Sometimes one in my position (physicist, no chance of ever having a girlfriend/wife EVER) chooses to leave his face in so long as the face isn’t causing any immediate pain and there is no risk of infection caused by an impacted face. However, because of my unique adamantium bone plating, the dentist and orthodontist agree that face-extraction surgery is the best way to avoid future complications.

I have to submit to you folk some of the possible complications which might result from this surgery. I do this not because I want to warn you or anything, but because I use your collective opinion as my opinion, and thus count on you to make all my important decisions for me:

<list><li>After surgery, there may be some bleeding, numbness, and pain in the facial area. Bruising of the jaw, neck, pupil, retina, penis, or frontal-lobe is common, and may percist for months after the surgery.</li>
<li>The face runs close to what is known as the “brain nerve,” a cluster a nerves located between the back of the face and the rear portion of the skull. This nerve cluster servers to transmit sensory information between the ears (hence the location of the cluster). Sometimes facial extraction surgery irritates or damages this nerve cluster, resulting in a tingling feeling in the ears which may percist for several months. Sometimes these problems are perminent, and one has to learn to adjust to the ears not being able to communicate with each other.</li>
<li>Your doctor might be a pervert, and you might end up touched in inapropriate places while under. The doctor might also ejaculate on you, leaving either a thick white/yellow substance on various parts of your body (known as “man-juice”) or a crusty, transparent film if the surgery takes more than a few hours (known as “dried man-juice”). Man-juice commonly dries after a few hours, but dried man-juice and man-juice stains might remain for several weeks (if you don’t shower, you filthy nasty freak.)</li>
<li>The doctor might have to make certain decisions during the surgery which might lead to you being force-fed roast beef, then having pictures of your embarrasingly gluttonous behavour circulated on the internet. YOU CANNOT SUE US FOR ANYTHING</li>
So tell me guys, should I go through with this? By the way, I already paid and signed the NO LAWSUITS ALLOWED disclaimer. And bought the roast beef they made me buy. Maybe you guys can tell me why I had to buy roast beef…

Was it arby’s?


Anything involving roast beef is always good.

p.s. where can I find some adamantium bone plating?

Is this surgery necessary for living…or just ugliness?

You know (no you don’t, but you will soon); a ‘friend’ of mine undertook a similar surgery and ended up with dislocated testies.

I say nay, unless you like your balls by your feet. Or unless your balls are already by your feet.

Not your friend after the testicle incident, huh?

Good thing I don’t have any friends. Or testicles. Or pride. Or self-image.

Oh, and replace “face” with “wisdom teeth” in my post. I mistook the two.

Oh, wisdom teeth. Yeah, I vetoed that surgery…but only because I’m a pussy.

My dentist suggested I get my wisdom teeth out.

I said, “uh,” and that was the end of that conversation.

I vetoed that surgery on the grounds that I have never had any wisdom teeth.

Also my mom is getting her canines replaced with engineered super-canines.
Her canines are currently made of wood.

psst… KBV’s mother is George Washington.

I don’t even have wisdom teeth. I must be an alien.

One of us!


Ja, Übermenschen heraus! Diese Leute sind nicht kühl genug für uns.

Have you seen the Dentist, or The Dentist II.

If you had you wouldn’t want your wisdom teeth out.

I got my top wisdom teeth out, and this summer I will get surgery to dig beneath my gums and remove the cranky ghost of my other wisdom teeth, which decided to grow perpendicular to my other teeth.

Notice I do not make a huge deal out of it, BECAUSE IT FUCKING ISN’T! It’s just a snip, pull, bleed a bit, then you feel better than ever and get a free toothbrush. You guys are all pussies.


I prefer to keep sharp things out of my mouth. If you feel differently, I have some left-over candy that didn’t get handed out at Halloween for you.

Hmmm… Candy.


(oh my gay)